Building Emotional Regulation And Perspective From A Young Age
Kids and teenagers emotions can feel like a raging storm and then sunshine and blue skies. As we become adults this rocking back and forth should get less and less until we are able to adjust through the different emotions quicker and with less collateral destruction to those around us. When we get into a long-term relationship it is even more important to be able to recognize our reactions and responses to other people or situations and work through these in our conversations and discussions. Talking through our response and the underlying reason that leads to that response, helps us get to the root of our confusion as to why someone is feeling the way they do. This is hard tedious work, and it takes two people who are willing to open up and get vulnerable. When we know this is the kind of work we have as adults, we have to understand it also applies to our kids’ lives too. They are not going to naturally do this on their own. They have to be guided through practicing this skill.
When there is something in front of us that we don’t want to do, or don’t want to stop doing, it creates emotions and a reaction. For kids this might be whining, complaining, negotiating, procrastination, or back talking. In many cases it doesn’t matter what the child says or does, it doesn’t change the fact that in the end they still have to do ___________ (clean their room, do their schooling, turn off the videogame, ect). They don’t have a choice in what the task is, but they do have a choice in how they respond and react to the task. If they are complaining, procrastinating and back talking during the whole process, now they are taking their self-created suffering and putting it onto others.
They may feel like they have no choice in the matter. And yes, they may not have a choice in what they are being told to do, but they absolutely have a choice in the remaining part. This remaining part is a large part of the situation and outcome. Things like, how long they take to do it, their attitude about it, what positive things they can learn from it or if they decide to repeat this again, perseverance, if they are going to be a team player, and so much more. If we can teach our kids anything about their future, it is that everything they are going through in their adolescent years will either set them up for a harder or smoother time in their adult years. If a child is procrastinating and cutting corners on their chores or homework, this can become procrastinating and cutting corners in their job or business. This kind of work ethic will lead to loss of customers or loss of a job.
If they are lying now to their family, as an adult they will lose the trust of those in their personal and professional life causing all kinds of repercussions. Even though they are kids, they have the understanding of how habits form. A persons character is formed over time and by the choices we make in different situations. There are many instances we can share this long-term perspective with our kids and help them start to see the long-term results of cause and effect. We can’t spend years choosing the hard road of complaining, procrastinating, and back talking, and then expect our future to be full of hard work, positive attitudes and successful outcomes.
A daily thing adults experience, is having a task in front of them or having to make a decision that they really dread doing. Something that feels repetitive, hard, boring, or time consuming. It will never go away. Eventually you will come to the conclusion that making ourselves suffer even more by adding a bad attitude and bad habits to this is not going to help anything. We have to start looking at the creative ways to get it done quicker, more effective, see the silver lining, and count our blessings. This is the skills we need to teach our kids at a young age to build in themselves. The switch between suffering and succeeding is just a decision away. The more we help raise our kids to a higher level of response and reaction to their daily obstacles, will help ensure they are capable of handling what may come as adults.
By understanding our reactions, where it stems from, and choosing the wise path forward, will then help us regulate our emotional ups and downs. A well-regulated adult can then help teach their kids to self-regulate their emotional turmoil. Then as they grow and build other long-term relationships, they have the needed skills to have those tough conversations in a healthy productive way.