There are many stories of poor relationships between parents and their daughter or son-in-law. There are a few main components to the breakdown in these relationships. Lack of boundaries, not leaving and cleaving, and immaturity.
Let’s start with the most obvious one. Parents get to raise their kids as they see fit. Because we are not perfect and we are learning on the job, there will be things that we did that worked great and things that we would do differently if we had the chance again. Inevitably our kids will take the things that they learned from us and duplicate some and do the opposite for things they didn’t like or disagree with. This is natural. The things our kids choose to do differently than us can feel like a big jab against us and our values. Sometimes even if we gave the best example and our kids see the value in it, they still can choose to not live up to that standard of living themselves. This can be one of the harder things to deal with.
One of the big reasons there can be a lack of boundaries between parents and their adult kids/in-laws is the parents don’t stop parenting. Now we should never stop parenting our own kids but instead of telling them what to do, we can offer suggestions and examples from our own experience as to why making a certain decision would be wise. This difference in approach helps remind us that we have no right to demand anything from our adult kids. They are in control of their life; the good and the bad. Our job as parents is to “offer” our 2 cents, then shut our mouth and let it play out. If it turns out that they see the repercussions of a bad choice, we don’t need to say “I told you so” but instead have empathy and support for them on their journey of learning.
The other side of a lack of boundaries is with trying to “parent our grandkids.” Let’s get some black and white rules on the table.
#1 When your adult kids are visiting with your grandkids, anything the grandkids want (treats, movies, videogames, sleepovers) we tell them to ask their parents.
#2 When the grandkids are acting up, we need to wait and see if our kids step in and correct them, if they don’t then we can ask them “Do you want them……..?” If what the grandkids are doing is going to cause damage to something of ours and can’t wait to play itself out, then absolutely it is ok to step in and redirect them or set a boundary of our own, “Let’s not get into that area please.”
#3 If our kids set a boundary with our grandkids, it is up to us to not contradict it. This could be them putting a child in time out or down for a nap, saying no to certain foods or movies, etc. This also applies to when we are babysitting our grandkids. If our kids tell us to follow certain routines, rules, or preferences while we are taking care of their child, we better make sure to do that. Going behind their back when they are gone and doing what we want in spite of them, is only going to lead to a loss of trust and the consequences that follow.
Lack of boundaries also co-mingles with not “leaving and cleaving.” This concept is when our child gets married, they leave their parents and cleave to their spouse. Once they do this, this means their household calendar, plans, holidays, and support is firstmost to their spouse. Everyone else is secondary. This means the plans they want to have, take priority over plans we want them to have. Having flexibility around holidays is one of the biggest things that can relieve stress in our kids. They know what traditions are important to their parents, and they know that we want to share the holidays with them as much as possible. But we also have to realize that we are just half of their extended family. Their spouse also has a family who wants to share the holidays too. They shouldn’t be expected to have their Christmas traditions at home, then leave mid-day to go to one side of the family, and the evening over at another. Christmas and Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be celebrated on the actual day, they can be celebrated the day before or after. The important part is getting together to create special traditions and memories.
There are countless stories of parents being extremely selfish in their expectation for their kids. Guilting, nagging, trying to pit their child against his/her spouse. Just like we want to be our spouse’s number one priority, we need to give our kids the freedom to be that for their spouse. Seeing a son be the man that protects and supports his wife 100% is more important than making his parents happy by doing what they want. Now, if your child was raised right then we can expect them to honor their parents and not be selfish. When there are mature parents and mature adult kids/in-laws, it makes meeting in the middle a lot easier. The parents give the kids their space and automony, and the kids have respect by doing what they can to show up for the important things.
One last piece of advice. Life is busy, whether your kids are babies, toddlers, preteens or teens. As we become empty nesters, and then retired, we have a lot more freedom in our time and schedule. If you feel like you are not seeing your kids and grandkids as often as you hoped, it could be because you are expecting everyone to make the effort and travel to you. It is always more convenient to be the one that family visits. We can give any excuse as to why we don’t want to be the one doing the driving/effort. The older we get we may have to rely on family visiting us or picking us up and driving us to a gathering. But until then, don’t be lazy. Seeing your kids and grand kids at sporting events, parties, a game night or dinner, shows them that you value their company and want to be a part of it as much as possible. Time has a way of flying by, so make the effort to show up where your kids are at and they will do the same.